Over the weekend, Jonah Hill's ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady took to Instagram to post some alleged text messages from the 21 Jump Street actor. The screenshots were eye-opening: Hill allegedly told the professional surfer that surfing with men, posting photos he deemed sexual, and even some of her friendships with certain women went against his boundaries.
"I've made my boundaries clear," said Hill, who directed a documentary with his therapist last year. "It's not my place to teach you," he apparently texted.
This type of "therapy-speak" — when people throw around terms like "boundaries," "self-care," and "toxic" — has become increasingly popular. The phrases can be useful in helping people stick up for themselves in unhealthy relationships, but some therapists warn that therapy-speak has, ironically enough, been used to justify some self-centered, boundaryless behavior.
People might flake on friends in the name of giving themselves space, and relationship psychologist Esther Perel recently commented that therapy-speak is making us lonelier as we prioritize ourselves over our relationships.
Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in couples therapy, told Insider that while we should take stories from anyone in the public eye with a grain of salt (as we only know one side of the relationship), she found Hill's texts concerning.
"If we take it at face value, it seems like concerning behavior because it's controlling somebody's actions," she said.
While therapy-speak might sound healthy and mature, it can also be a tool for emotional abuse and manipulation.
Boundaries should never be about controlling someone
In the simplest terms, boundaries indicate what we will and won't allow in our relationships. But people's understanding of them can get murky, according to Morley.
"Setting a healthy boundary means indicating what you're comfortable with — what your limits are all to protect your well-being and mental health," she said.
Examples of boundaries include when you're ready to have sex with someone or not tolerating name-calling from a partner.
Simply put: Boundaries are rules that you impose on yourself, not another person.
But in Hill's situation, his idea of setting boundaries was dictating what Brady wore, what kinds of pictures she took, and who she spent time with.
Morley said that if a person is uncomfortable with their partner's lifestyle or choices, it's their responsibility to decide if they want to date them, rather than try to alter their behavior.
It's also natural for boundaries to be violated
The texts that Brady posted also highlighted another dynamic: Brady's apparent fear of always doing something wrong. She allegedly paddled away from men when surfing and deleted posts that Hill disapproved of.
Morley said that even with healthy boundaries, it's important to know that everyone violates boundaries occasionally because we can't always know every boundary a person has.
"It's not abusive to violate people's boundaries if you weren't aware," Morley said. "There has to be room for boundary violations and then healthy conversations after the fact."
If you feel preoccupied with identifying what is and isn't a boundary violation around a person, that could be a sign that something's amiss in the relationship.
Healthy dialogue involves opening up about your feelings
What was missing from Hill's texts was how he actually feels, Morley said. He's clear about what he finds unacceptable in Brady — but he's never vulnerable or explains why he feels the way he does.
"That is where the real work of a relationship is," Morley said. "It's not 'respect this boundary or get out.'"
For example, Morley said that he could have opened up a conversation by stating his insecurities. Maybe he was hurt in the past and felt incredibly jealous when other men spoke to Brady. The onus wouldn't be on Brady to change, but on both of them to find a solution together as a couple.
"All feelings are okay — jealousy is okay, insecurity is okay," Morley said. "How you react and respond to them is what matters."
