By June 2022, I will have been a bridesmaid in three weddings in less than a year.
I'm excited to stand by my friends on their big days, but there's a lot about being a bridesmaid that intimidates me.
I decided to take bridesmaid coaching lessons with Jen Glantz, a professional bridesmaid and the founder of Bridesmaid for Hire, who has been in over 125 weddings.
Glantz's advice surprised me, as she helped me realize the best bridesmaids don't say yes to everything.
You shouldn't say yes right away, no matter how excited you are
Being a bridesmaid is a big responsibility.
It typically requires a huge amount of time and money, and Glantz said it's important to determine how much of your year you can give to the wedding before you agree to be part of it.
If you don't, you may end up spending more time or money on the wedding than you're comfortable with, and you may even end up resenting the engaged couple after the wedding.
Glantz advises people to examine their finances and calendars to figure out what resources they are willing to give to the wedding and related events, like bachelorette parties and showers.
You should consider what you can afford, how much of your PTO you're willing to use on this wedding, and if there's anything that could get in the way of you being part of the bridal party, such as not being able to take time off for a bachelorette trip.
And if you're like me and could be in multiple weddings in one year, you need to think about how much time you'll have to dedicate to each event.
If you think you have the ability to be part of the bridal party after going through that thought process, let the engaged couple know what your boundaries are, and see if they still want you to be part of the bridal party.
It's possible that your friend may be upset by your boundaries, but it's still important to prioritize them.
"In the end, that boundary is protecting you, your finances, and your future," Glantz said. "That matters a lot more than the friendship."
You also shouldn't answer messages from the bridal party right away
Bridesmaids are often inundated with texts and emails from the couple or maid of honor about everything from dresses to the day-of plan.
It's important to answer all of these messages, but Glantz told me that addressing them immediately can cause issues.
"When you respond instantly, you're known as that person who's instantly responding and then that eats into your boundaries," Glantz said.
She suggests intentionally picking an amount of time to wait before you answer messages regarding the wedding, unless it's an urgent matter, as it will show people you are willing to help but do have a life outside of the event you have to prioritize as well.
Glantz typically waits an hour or two before responding to bridal party messages, but she said it's appropriate to wait up to a day to make your boundaries clear.
The idea of setting these kinds of boundaries with my friends as they plan their weddings still intimidates me, but Glantz encouraged me to think of it as being a communicative friend.
"I think rule number one of being a good bridesmaid is remembering to be a good friend and remembering to stand up for yourself," she said. "What's missing in this whole bridesmaid experience are these tough, honest, real conversations that will make your friendship last after the wedding."
