Recently, my newly single friend outlined her plan for forcing Hinge's algorithm to give her better matches, a trick she said she learned from another woman's TikTok. Honestly, it seemed exhausting.
I wanted to support my friend in her efforts, but her strategy required an unnecessary amount of mental gymnastics, especially for someone I knew to typically be audacious and unbothered.
"Seriously? All of that for someone who looks hot but could be trash in real life?" I asked her in earnest. She laughed, acknowledging the ridiculousness of the technique, which involved deleting her existing account, making a brand new one, and rejecting every match she received for 24 hours.
But she remained resolute in trying it, as do so many other singles looking for hacks to help them make a solid connection, or at the very least, have a fun night out with someone cool. A 30-year-old app developer admitted to deleting unique details from his dating app profile, saying that the more generic and "meaningless" he made his profile, the more matches he seemed to get. On Reddit, a straight man wondered if changing his Tinder preferences to men and women then to gain a few extra likes, then switching it back to just women a few days later would "inflate his location on the algorithm," resulting in more matches.
And who can blame them? It's rough out there.
I've been writing about sex and relationships for five years, and spend my days talking to therapists and researchers, so I'm intimately familiar with the frustrations of dating and also know the most productive ways to combat those frustrations. Experts have told me time and again, tricking an app into giving you what you think is your desired outcome is not one of those ways. In fact, it will probably backfire.
The truth is, if you want a vibrant and happy dating life, you have to act in ways that make you feel vibrant and happy. That means avoiding disempowering situations, like fixating on the choices you make in a fickle dating-app world.
As often as I hear the ways singles are fiddling with their dating apps in pursuit of better dates, I field pitches from dating-app startup founders. In them, they say they've created the app that will finally make dating safe or feed their users the most compatible matches possible. In emails from already-popular dating app representatives, they often say their newest feature will help users stand out from the crowd. I'm here to tell you that none of that matters.
A dating app is just a machine, and a flawed one at that. And life is way too full of possibility to funnel all of yours into a tech bro's invention. That's why more singles should look at dating apps as one tool, but not the only tool, for finding a worthwhile match.
Instead of scrambling to troubleshoot a tool that keeps falling flat, singles should focus on the tangible parts of their dating life they can control, like their commitment to meeting other singles, the energy they bring to first dates, and the boundaries they set to ensure they're spending their precious time with people they actually enjoy.
There's nothing wrong setting aside an hour each day to swipe or asking your friends if they find a potential match cute, dating coaches and therapists have told me. But unanticipated moments of connection in the real world, with your barista or a passerby who compliments your outfit, can feel much more gratifying. In those moments, you may be brave enough to put yourself out there when you see a cute stranger, or realize you have feelings for a friend. And when you feel courageous and sure of yourself, you'll have the discernment to let the right people into your life and let the wrong ones go, whether you meet in real life or through an app.
Those character-building exercises, not your ability to trick an app's algorithm, will attract someone who is right for you.
Instead of becoming preoccupied with online dating, I propose a longer, but much easier route: Trust yourself and your timing. From personal experience, this method is much less infuriating, and way more fun, than playing games in the palm of your hand.
So, keep swiping. Chat with matches, reject a few, and update your photos when your friend takes one where you really love how you look. But the moment a dating app feels like work, or makes you feel like you need to adjust your life to get desirable results, put your phone down and get out there.
