When you're married, it's normal to experience relationship lows like fights, feelings of emotional distance, and even dry spells in your sex life.
If those problems persist for long periods though, you may be wondering whether your relationship is going through a typical rough patch or if it's failing and time for a divorce — an experience that nearly half of married couples in Western cultures eventually experience, according to the American Psychological Association.
If you're considering a divorce yourself, it's important to understand why you want one and whether you've exhausted all options to repair your relationship, if it's one that's worth repairing in your eyes. Here, therapists share the question to ask yourself before you go through with a divorce.
Have I been vocal about my frustrations to my spouse?
It may seem obvious, but before you settle on a divorce you should consider whether your partner is on the same page as you about your relationship, according to Rachel Wright, a licensed therapist and the co-founder of Wright Wellness Center.
"You have to ask yourself, 'Have I taken personal responsibility for things I don't like?'" Wright told Insider. When couples come to her, they usually assume the other partner knows what's wrong in the relationship and isn't willing to work on those aspects, she added.
Once Wright's couples discuss the marital problems that brought divorce into the conversation, however, they often realize they weren't on the same page to begin with about their relationship woes.
Rather than getting to this point, consider telling your spouse what's bothering you about your relationship in a kind yet forward way. That way, the two of you at least have the chance to work toward a common goal.
Are both my spouse and I willing to put in the work to improve our relationship?
Once you and your spouse understand the reasons each of you are struggling with your existing relationship, it's time to consider whether you both have an interest in reconciling those problems.
According to Wright, that could look like going to couples therapy, taking a couples workshop or retreat together, or reading up on some relationship advice books. If your problem is more physical, like having a low libido, consider seeing a doctor who can discuss potential medication options with you, if it's not something you've already considered.
If your marriage is already at the point where you've tried to repair problems through these avenues, or you simply don't have an interest in trying to repair them, it could mean it's time to get divorced, Wright said.
"Really consider if you got the shifts you wanted in your marriage, would you want to stay?" she said.
Am I being abused, emotionally or physically?
Although a heated disagreement with your spouse every now and then is normal, if your fights include nasty, hurtful comments or demoralizing or physically harmful behavior around your friends, family, and kids, it could be a sign you're in an abusive relationship.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic violence is defined as "behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish, or force them to behave in ways they do not want," and can include acts of physical violence, verbal threats, and emotional abuse.
If you believe your partner is treating you this way, you should always aim to get out of the relationship as soon as you can in a safe manner, with divorce as a later, more long-term option, according to Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great."
For immediate help, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
How will staying in or leaving my marriage affect my kids?
When it comes to considering a divorce, parents often decide to stay in an unhappy or unhealthy marriage because they believe it's the best option for providing their children with a stable and happy life.
That isn't always the case though. "When parents have red flags their relationship is unhealthy, like if they resolve conflict in destructive ways with yelling and screaming, that's just as detrimental," if not more, than getting a divorce, Orbuch said, since those behaviors set a bad example for kids.
Orbuch added that it isn't the divorce itself, but the potential consequences of divorce, that are difficult on kids, like financial problems or hostility between parents. If you and your spouse actively work through these problems throughout the divorce process, splitting up could be better for your family in the long run.
