When your partner, a person you likely love and trust, has an affair with another person, it's normal to feel betrayed. In the moment, it can also seem like getting back at your partner could be the easiest way to call it even and move on from the cheating.
In reality, revenge cheating could lead to the demise of a marriage, relationship therapist and psychologist Tammy Nelson told Business Insider. "When you feel betrayed, you think, 'If I just betray my partner, we can move on,' but in reality, you don't just move on," Nelson said.
Still, many people turn to revenge cheating. One-third of cheaters who signed up for an account on affair website IllicitEncounters.com said they did so to get back at a partner for having an affair, according to a 2018 survey from the site.
Here's what can go wrong in a revenge cheating scenario.
Any revenge-based action will only make existing problems worse
The concept of revenge cheating implies that a relationship can be treated like a balance sheet, where if one person does something wrong, it can be "fixed" by the other partner doing the same wrong thing.
But relationships aren't transactional, so taking this approach will only exacerbate the distance partners feel between each other following an affair. Nelson says couples can never go back to the way things were before the cheating simply because they're "even."
Revenge cheating is also likely to result in the end of a relationship or marriage because it signals that the revenge cheater is thinking, "You broke trust, so now it's my turn to break yours." But two people not trusting each other is worse than one not trusting the other. A trust-less relationship isn't really a relationship at all, or at least not a healthy one, Nelson said.
Read more: 12 science-backed facts about cheating that all couples should know
Additionally, cheating for revenge can lead to feelings of guilt, rather than the desired effect of relief. "People think they can just get it out of their systems, but they have to live with their own infidelity and integrity then," Nelson said.
It's possible to forgive your partner for cheating without seeking revenge
Although it's not easy, it is possible to recover from an affair.
The good news is that while your "old" marriage is over, you the opportunity to start a new one together, Nelson said.
Building trust again from the ground up is essential, she added.
Though painful, it's also important for the cheater to candidly discuss the type of person they became during the affair if the couple wants to stay together. For example, a person might feel more young, fearless, or sexy when cheating because they are exploring a new or hidden side of themselves.
After the cheater determines how they felt while being unfaithful, they have to ask themselves why they felt they couldn't be that person with their spouse or partner. Nelson calls it a "wake up or break up moment." "If you are going to wake up and change your relationship and [yourself,] it could be an incredible moment," she said.
